Tuesday, March 08, 2011
I'm a 21-year-old Florida girl that has had problems with self-esteem since I was little, due to the fact that I never fit in with my peers and was always treated differently - even picked on. This issue carried into my dealings with men as I got older; I tended to bow down to whatever they wanted.
I became sexually active at 16, and since then I've been with 11 men. The last man I was with was in September of 2010. I thought he was the one for me, but everything fell apart when he got deployed to Afghanistan. Even though I know all men aren't dogs I tend to treat them all that way.
I know it's nobody's fault but mine for how often I was hurt. I'm so emotionally scarred that at this point in my life I'm not sure I'd be able to trust anyone enough to ever get married. I don't even feel like I'm worth marrying even though as a little girl I would always fantasize about it.
I've become extremely bitter. So much has been going wrong lately that I feel like I've lost a part of myself somewhere in my past. But I'm too beat up and scared to go back and find it. When you feel down and worthless, can your scarred heart ever be restored?
–Scarred and Lonely
The heart is a resilient muscle - it expands, contracts, heals and, yes, it can be restored. It's healthy that you recognize the obstacle to love is your own attitude, lack of trust and beliefs toward men. Understanding you have a problem is the first step in the healing process.
Even though you have had some negative experiences with men, you have to let go of the belief that all men are dogs and adopt a new positive belief: Each man is an individual with good and bad traits, and I will be open to learning who they are before I make a judgment.
No more sex. When you're feeling emotionally lost, it's best to take a leave of celibacy to help ground your emotions and honor your body. Take a one-year hiatus from rolling in the sheets. That doesn't mean you can't kiss, hug and massage but keep the legs shut, and focus on other forms of intimacy.
Let go of the need to be with someone and focus on yourself. It's time to work on building your self-esteem. You are still in your development years, so focus on learning about who you are, what makes you great and the traits that people love about you. Also, consider the things you don't like about yourself, and ask how you want to improve upon those things. Becoming healthier, happier and more satisfied in life is within your power, so you have to choose to participate in your own growth.
Check in with your gremlin. Gremlins are the voices in our heads that make negative comments, and belittle our self-esteem. What statements does your gremlin make? I want to recommend that you work with a relationship coach to help you overcome your gremlin, your limiting belief and your fear of finding yourself.
Once you've overcome these hurdles and healed your heart, your coach will help you get back into the dating game with a new healthy attitude, and a heart that's ready to love. You don't have to take this journey alone.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC.
Source: BV on Love